Hello lovely – greetings to you from sunny Sydney!
We all have tests in our life, and mostly it’s because of the way that other people behave.
If only they would:)
Sometimes it’s not that they behave badly, maybe it’s just their lack of loving attention towards you.
Chances are you have hinted, begged or jumped up and down to get their attention, to no avail.
Chances are they’re not going to change.
So that makes it YOUR problem, not theirs. Yep. The injustice of life. When you try so hard, when you’re the nice one, when … when … when …..
It’s always good to get a new perspective on these issues that invariably arise in all of our lives, so let’s talk about what to do when you’re feeling undervalued by someone.
What this post is not about.
This post is not about friends & family who are mutually slack with each other. We all do it. We slip up from time to time and don’t get in touch as often as we’d like, or verbalise our feelings, but we know we’re valued.
Nor is this post about people who will never change. Like my brother for instance. I adore him. He rarely phones me. He rarely phones anyone:) but he loves me and I never doubt that. So I phone him, and he chats his head off. We love our chats. We’re consistent. This is how our relationship works, and it’s fine. He’s a self confessed slack arse and wears it like a badge:)
I’m also not referring to any two people who are quite happy with each other’s input into their relationship/friendship.
And although I always draw from my own life experiences let me say this to my nearest and dearest, this post is not about you:) so settle petals. And yes, I have experienced feeling undervalued along my 60 year journey thus far, but right now, everything’s fine and dandy.
What this post is about.
I’m talking about people who are close to your heart who you make you feel undervalued.
Maybe you live with this person and you’re feeling like your efforts go un-noticed.
Maybe they’re a friend/family member who has become inconsistent. One minute they need you as a close ally, the next they’re as distant as all hell.
Maybe they’re a group of friends that have stopped inviting you as often.
Maybe there’s someone in your life who you think if you dropped dead, they would barely notice.
Maybe it’s a boss who never gives you praise.
Maybe you’re feeling judged by someone, and wish they’d look at all your good points instead.
Whatever it is for you, there’s one thing that is bleedingly obvious:
Their awareness of how life’s going for YOU isn’t high on their agenda. So the question is, just how much energy are you going to keep pouring into them? Busy-ness is not an excuse by the way. Busy-ness is crap. If people truly value you, they will make the time, as small as it may be, to make you feel loved. There’s always time if it’s important enough to them.
So what to do? You probably keep dishing out the tender loving care while largely being ignored, then after a while, decide to resign/take a break from your role as their loving (friend/partner/sister/husband/parent/child… you choose!) and this is usually done with a mixture of sadness and ’stuff you then!’.
If that’s where you’re up to, this might help, and let me know if it does! Otherwise I feel like I’m talking to myself:)
3 Things To Do When You Are Feeling Undervalued
1. Don’t take their behaviour personally.
Everyone gets to choose how they show up in the world. It’s not your job to be in charge of someone else. There are many reasons why people don’t give you what you need, even when you ask them. No matter how close you are to them. Jealousy, misunderstandings, general inability to express themselves, or things going on for them that they can’t handle. These are just some of the reasons. Everyone’s walking their own path. No, it’s not fair. Yes, they should get their act together. But the truth is, you cannot control someone else’s behaviour in order to feel a sense of worth. Your sense of worth is your own responsibility. This might seem a little scary, but once you truly get this concept, it is SO FREE-ING!
2. Release them with LOVE.
If someone is not giving you what you want, then stop requiring it from them. Just stop. It’s exhausting to try and make people love you in the way you think they should. But don’t release them with a ‘stuff you’ attitude. This is tricky, but much better for a healthier, happier you. Mentally wish them a happy existence, and really mean it from your heart. They’re doing their best, and we have to believe that. This doesn’t mean that you have to leave someone, or drop a friend, ignore your mother-in-law etc, it simply means that you don’t require them to act in any particular way anymore, in order to feel that you’re worth taking up space on the planet:) The relief of not having to audition for the ‘I’m a really fantastic and worthwhile person’ role will be palpable, and then you’ll have loads of extra energy for the next step.
3. Shift your focus – what you focus on expands.
Get on with the job of surrounding yourself with YOUR PEOPLE!!
The open loving ones with big hearts who make you feel like the planet wouldn’t be the same without you:) And who have big arms to hug you. And big grins that make you feel like skipping like a kid when you see the. And soft hearts that love you even when you’re feeling less than loveable.
You might be thinking, ‘But I want all the people in my life to see what a good person I am. (As if).
Well, it’s over to you.
Here’s my take. There’s loving kindness, commitment and tenacity, and then there’s martyrdom.
Believe me when I say that no one loves a martyr. If you’re not getting JOY out of your relationship, no matter who it is with, then what’s the point? You can remain humbly devoted & quietly hurt, you can do handstands trying to impress someone, or you can move on (either physically or emotionally) and seek more joyous, relationships where mutual respect runs deep.
It’s ALWAYS your choice.
Time for action!
Please let me know your thoughts about this post.
Does anything you’ve read here resonate with you ?
Has this post helped you?
Please don’t be shy, comment below!
With love, as always,
- My Go To Remedy When Life’s Tough - March 5, 2015
- My Personal Story Of Gratitude - February 22, 2015
- Sense of Purpose – 3 Tips - February 21, 2015
Thank you. I haven’t necessarily been feeling this in my relationship but it spiralled into it after being rejected by my sister not coming over for my 40th (I rarely see her and make the trip there ALL the time but her husband said no so she’s not coming), then she suggests she will throw a Birthday party for me in my home town a month after my party here instead… um selfish much? Do that and all the friends I’ve invited to my party here will just decide not to bother and go the one she wants to hold for me in my home town…. um, no thanks. I provide a service to my clients and alright with this one I have to admit is the catalyst for why I turned my attention to not feeling appreciated at home. I feel like they don’t appreciate what I do for them and they’re zapping my energy and then coming back for more but hey, we don’t want to pay full price for it Marni…. what the? Just can’t get a break financially! So then it turns to my partner, he sometimes works away and I am working just a few hours a day so I do most of the housework and cooking etc. I take him to the airport at 4am to catch his flight and when he comes home I pick him up. HE IS ALWAYS ANGRY when he gets in the car… moody as hell, grumpy, directs me how to drive, tells me what to do… and well you know what I’m over it! I know it’s not his fault, he’s tired, I get it, it’s long days and a demanding job… fine but seriously? Do I have to go through that every time? Well today I said no more. I told him, honey I love you and I love that you’re so supportive of me financially atm but I am not driving you to or picking you up from the airport anymore. My only focus is to find full time work and be valued for all that I do. Surprise… he’s ok with it! I guess at the end of the day what you have to do is just stand up and believe in your worth and stick with it… I find this very difficult to do as a nurturer and a survivor of severe bullying as a child meant that I became desperate to have people like me…. I just need a little reminder every now and then, no-one likes someone who doesn’t value themselves more than anyone else…. Thank you for your article… I value you! xx
I’m glad this helped you Marns! Good luck to you darling, always value yourself, always.
I appreciate this article. I was in a relationship in which I was very undervalued – which was a pattern for me. However, this time I made a stand and told him that I was worth a whole lot more than the value he placed on me and I couldn’t keep doing this. Told him that I was not angry and I wasn’t placing blame. It was very difficult and it hurt but I knew that if I didn’t get out now (after 4 months) I would only hurt deeper if I continued to allow myself to be undervalued. He said that he was mad at himself and I told him that I was not mad at him. This has only been 3 days ago but doing this is much more freeing than trying to hold on to false hope and holding on to the little shows of attention every now and then. I had to face reality and stop living in a fantasy world that he would be willing to invest in our relationship.
This article has really helped me today as I found it hard today.
I expected certain family members to be excited with something big I’ve just achieved and when I told them them the exciting news they acted like I’d just made a passing comment like “this cakes nice” as they never smiled or commented on my achievement.
I don’t know if it’s jealousy, or they just couldn’t give a crap I wanted them to show their excited for me too as they know my life has never been easy.
Anyway so yes from now on I will follow those three steps and see if it helps, so thank you ???
This certainly resonates with me. I have a friend who has continued to be friends with someone who treated me quite badly and I have been trying so hard to be ok with it. I would never ask her to stop hanging around the other person, but equally I feel a bit hurt that she would want to stay friends with someone who hurt me. It makes me feel really undervalued and I’ve had a lot of “stuff you” moments. Thank you for your wise and candid words Julie, I hope I can put them into practice successfully 🙂
Thank you for this, it really helped.