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Hello to you!
We all know the theory … we’ve read the books. We’ve done the courses. We’ve attended the seminars. We declare in our minds that from now on we will CHANGE that thing that drives us crazy and yet … we start to change with the greatest of intention, but before we know it, we’re back to square one.
Why is that?
I can look back and see my younger self declaring I WILL CHANGE!! And yet, decades later, here I am, with some behaviours still firmly ensconced in my life.
BUT there are others that I have succeeded in changing. Permanently. Yes!
So I’d like to share my ideas with you as to how that happened. Before that, I’m wondering if you could answer a couple of questions. These questions will ascertain, for once and for all, if you really really want to change that thing, or you’re just using up your precious energy on something that is just a vague notion in your mind.
First of all, pick something that you’ve been trying to change in your life for quite some time.
e.g. I want to stop … (you fill in the blanks: a habit, always saying ‘yes’ to everyone, being crazy busy, working in a dead end job, having a messy house …)
Now, here’s the questions. Read through them and listen to the answers in your head. These questions are crucial to you succeeding and attaining trulymadlydeeply satisfying change.
1. Do you really want to change?
Is it you or someone else that you think you should change for? Chances are if it’s not you, it’s never going to happen. The decision has to yours, for YOUR reasons. Sure, you’re decision can have an impact on those around you, and you can choose to take that into consideration, but if you’re not doing it for primarily because it’s YOUR CHOICE, then forget it. Why?
Because our ego mind will set up all sorts of resentments as to why you have been forced into doing it, and the ego likes CONTROL. It will get pissed off, and find reasons to revolt! EGO: ‘I’ll show you who’s in charge ….I’m hanging on to this habit dammit!!!’ Sound familiar?
So, is it your idea to make this change?
2. What is your primary motivation for change?
Health? Wealth? Happiness? Boredom? Because you think you should? What is that drive to change all about, for YOU?
3. What would your life look like if you succeeded in changing?
We usually have a favourable image of what our life might look like if we succeed in changing. But think a little more deeply about it. Will it leave a void? Will our friends pressure us to change back to how we used to be? Does this habit/way of being define who you are? Who will you be without it?
4. What’s in the way? What makes you anxious when you think about this change?
Do you think you might not be able to do without this thing? This substance? This behaviour? Or what would happen to those around you if you started being really different? Would they make fun of you? Do you think you won’t succeed, because you’ve failed before, so have a ‘why bother even trying’ attitude? Do you think it’s too late to change? And if you do succeed in changing, e.g. getting a new job, do you feel anxious about what the implications of that are? e.g. your time won’t be your own, people will find out you’re not really up to it etc.
5. Will you still feel like ‘you’ if you change this thing?
Familiarity is one of our favourite states as human beings. Reality might not be what we want, but how often we will stay in a relationship, for example, because even though it’s ‘painful’ it’s like an old familiar friend. It’s pain, but it’s familiar pain. This is our ego mind at work.
6. How might it affect relationships with those around you?
Will people want the ‘old you’ back? There can be a lot of pressure from friends, because their egos don’t want change. They may want you to be the ‘same old you’, which can keep you stuck. There should always be room for people to change in a healthy relationship. What do you think it will be like for you if you make this change?
7. Are you willing to do whatever it takes to change this thing?
At this stage, you will probably have an answer in your mind.
If it’s a ‘no’, then you can finally let go of the notion that you will ever change this thing, and you can accept what is.
It’s time to stop spending your precious energy on entertaining the idea any more. It’s exhausting to keep thinking about something that you’re never going to do anything about.
If it’s a ‘yes’, then you really, really want to change.
The challenge here is, that you might have said that same ‘yes’ in the past, but somehow you haven’t stuck to it.
Why is that?
The part of you that said, ‘Yes!’ is your conscious mind. However, our conscious mind doesn’t run the show. So let’s look at the main culprit that thwarts all of your best intentions to change:
THE EGO MIND. This is simply the part of you that holds all of your ‘records’ of who you are. It has a running sheet of all of your basic traits, your habits, how you react in certain situations etc. And the thing about the ego mind is that it doesn’t like change. It will do anything to make sure your behaviour is aligned to your check list!
Believe me when I say that behind everyone who has tried to change is an ego clinging onto the old habit like a dog with a bone:)
For true change, and the good news is, that it is absolutely possible, you have to get in there and give that dog a new job.
So, just how do you do this?
There’s a number of ways that you can do this by yourself or with help. This post is more about sorting out WHAT you really want to pour energy into re changing. The questions above will help you become crystal clear in your mind about what you really want in order to lead a happy and peaceful life.
Having said that, here’s some suggestions that you can do on your own:
Meditation, affirmations, joining a specific group e.g. stop smoking programs etc.
My weapon of choice 🙂 is the Emotional Freedom Techniques, (EFT Tapping). This is a fast track way to get into your ego mind and rewrite the agenda. You can learn it for free here or you can work with me to get you on your way!
You can change, yes you can. Here’s a tapping script to get you started. Just say the words, while you’re tapping. All is explained, just click on the purple square, J