I saw this ‘Buddha Doodle’ on Facebook today (thanks Molly) and it prompted me to write a piece on grief. And broken hearts. And how our society’s got it so wrong when it comes to dealing with these issues. In my humble opinion:)
Here’s the thing. We have feelings. They’re not called ‘blockings’. They’re called ‘feelings’ because we’re supposed to feel them. But every week in my Sydney practice, I see how suppressed feelings wreak havoc in people’s lives.
On a brighter note, what a relief it is for clients when they finally let it all ‘hang out’. Acknowledge-release-peace. That’s my motto.
ACKNOWLEDGE: ‘I have a right to feel this way and it’s totally ok. Feelings are a bit like a child calling out for a parent. If the parent doesn’t respond, they call out louder until you finally pay attention to them. Sometimes years later.
RELEASE: EFT tapping is my chosen method, because it’s so fast and gentle. This post isn’t about EFT, so I’ll leave you to explore any of the other modalities out there that you may choose.
PEACE: The peace that follows because you’re accepting and respecting all of you. Even the bits you want to run and hide from. Like uncomfortable feelings that don’t make you feel great.
I haven’t always succeeded with this myself. I’m GREAT at the theory, but like every other human being, something gets thrown my way from time to time so I have a change to PRACTICE:) I remember when I lost my parents, I thought I’d never get over it. I really grieved after they died. I acknowledged my pain, used tapping to ease it, and was pretty ok with how I was doing.
But it’s as though I’d given myself a time frame. After a year I thought I should be shaping up a little bit. That’s when I started resisting my feelings.
If I saw a Mum and daughter walking down the street laughing, I just sort of forced down the grief. ‘Ah well, that’s just how it is. You don’t have a mother anymore. Get on with it.’ I started to stuff down my feelings. ‘You have to be strong, you’ve had you’re pity party, time to move on.’ I was a harsh critic of myself. It SO didn’t work.
I eventually reverted back to treating myself with the gentlest love. ‘It’s going to be ok. Take your time darling. You loved them deeply. You still do. I know you’re grateful. All is well.’
Now if I saw a Mum and Daughter with arms linked on their way to the movies, I allowed myself to turn around, go home, lie on my bed and sob. No, it’s not indulgent. If you stayed in bed for months on end, that’s indulgent.
I shed my grief really quickly after that. I think it’s because I’d given myself permission to feel my feelings and let myself release my grief when it arose. Now I see something that reminds me of Mum and Dad, and I smile to myself and feel gratitude that they were my parents.
It’s like that old joke that everything is 10 times funnier when you’re supposed to be quiet. Well it’s sort of the same. Grief is 10 times worse when you say to yourself that you shouldn’t be feeling it.
Being locked into grief forever, until it becomes woven into the very essence of who you are, is not healthy. Nor is shoving it down, and covering it up and never really dealing with it. Best way of all is to acknowledge it, let it run it’s course, and not fearing it, i.e. if it pops back into your life for a visit, just acknowledge it, and it will pass. As my Dad used to say, ‘This Too Shall Pass’.
I hope this post has helped anyone who’s heart is hurting right now. Please share it if you think it will help someone.
With love as always,